The Terror I Feel...

I know in my heart that people need what I’m trying to provide.  Hell… I’m one of those people.  That’s the whole reason I’m trying to get this started.  It doesn’t negate all the fears and doubts I feel.  This week has been especially emotionally taxing.  

 

I’ve hit quite a few huge milestones for a new business.  I legally formed my company.  Anyone can see me if they know what to search in Delaware’s system.  

 

Fear #1: It’s real.  

 

I can’t stay in the background anymore.  I’m visible now.  I am no longer able to stay hidden away where I feel most comfortable and confident.  It’s real.

 

I filed as a foreign entity with Ohio yesterday.  I applied for a business checking account yesterday.  Fuck!  It’s real.

 

Fear #2: It’s real.

 

Just before 0100 today, I submitted my first grant application — the Amber Grant for Women.  Oh no!  It’s REALLY real.  What have I done?  There’s no taking it back now.  People who matter will read what I submitted.  They’ll have opinions.  They’ll be judging me.  Communication is not one of my strengths — did I form my thoughts clearly?  Did I include everything I needed and wanted to include?  Did I do it in a way that neurotypical people will understand and find relatable?  In my own head everything is cohesive, structured, and well-planned.

 

There’s the rub.  This isn’t just in my head anymore.  My hopes, my dreams, my plans — strangers can see them now.

 

Fear #3: It’s real.

 

I’m terrified of just how real this has become.  Those strangers?  I need them.  I can’t do this without them.  I’m trying to do something in an industry I barely understand beyond knowing that it exists.  Everything I don’t know will be on full display for anyone who’s watching.  And watch they will.  

 

What’s coming up next is even more terrifying than Little Haven being real.

 

People will watch me try to identify and secure funding.  I know construction and development is a massively capital-intensive field.  I have no money.  How in the world am I going to make this real?  Existing on paper and seeing people moving into my first houses are NOT the same thing.  Being real doesn’t mean that Little Haven is REAL.

 

Yet.

 

Fear #4: The fear is real.